Animal rights vs. gardeners rights
Busybodies of the Brave New World
As the busybodies of the Brave New World on Cape Cod and elsewhere in Massachusetts proliferate so do the welter of rules, regulations and laws that teat us like dumb kids in need of nanny services even though some of us have been around for many years.
As one who grew up on a hardscrabble farm in Western Massachusetts, I was taught to respect nature and utilize its abundant resources wisely. Thus it was that hunters never took more from the woods than they could eat, never hunt for the joy of killing and kill predators like skunks, foxes and weasels only when they raided your chicken coop and deer out of season when they ravaged your orchards. Rats were always fair game for the sharp-eyed riflemen among us.
We learned how to skin and prepare edible game for cooking. This included woodchuck, porcupine, raccoon and, if you got enough of them, squirrels and chipmunks for a Brunswick stew. We drew the line at skunk. Some knew how to prepare them and vowed they were great eating.
Now we arrive at the Brave New World where big brother and bigger sister have decided to teach us how to survive without using any of the baser techniques we grew up with.
Shooting predatory animals has gone the way of outdoor burning. We used to burn leaves every fall and grass every spring. No more. Limits have been placed to protect us from ourselves so today few people under the age of 40 have any idea how to safely burn out of doors. So we have to learn to live with these restrictions just as we have been forced to live with incredible restrictions on the use of firearms.
Now I love my garden. Can’t wait to dig up the good earth, plant my peas, green beans and lettuce as early as possible and wait until Memorial Day to get my tomatoes into the ground. I grow vegetables in my “protest patch” to prove that I still know how to do it. To carry things further I even can. preserve, dry or freeze what grows to maturity.
How many bulbs can a woodchuck suck
Here is my dilemma: I looked out the window the other day and spotted a huge woodchuck—he looked to be size of a small Grizzly Bear (maybe a big smaller, but he/she was huge.) I knew exactly what this terrorist woodchuck was doing. He was scouting my garden area looking to see what kind of free lunch I was planning for him and his relatives.
I immediately called the animal control office in Barnstable and pleaded for the loan of a “have a heart” trap since leg hold traps are illegal and don’t discriminate between predatory woodchucks, pets and children.
When I spoke the courteous young woman who answered the phone, I told her that an Al Quaeda Woodchuck was scouting my garden, plotting acts of terror and destruction and doing so without any concerns I might intervene.
She asked if I was planning to trap the chuck and turn it loose on somebody else’s property. I told her, “No” that I was either going to eat it or take it down to the pond and see if it could swim.
She informed me that it is now against the law to trap any wild animal in Massachusetts.
“Even terrorist woodchucks?” I asked (rather plaintively).
“Even terrorist woodchucks,” she responded.
“But my garden is unprotected against this marauding beast!”
“Contact a registered, certified pest control company. They will take care of it for you,” she said.
I haven’t done that yet. I don’t know how much it costs and my income is sadly fixed. So I will keep working on my fence so I can at least slow the giant predatory vegan down long enough for me to chase it.
The only other alternative is to borrow my grandson’s dog who successfully warded off the woodchucks for years before he moved out with my grandson. It took the damned chucks two years to realize that the dog threat was gone and they wasted no time ravaging my protest patch.
Ah, me. It is going to be a long, long spring and summer as I tend my plants and try to ward off the marauding wildlife. If somebody has a good way to keep woodchucks out, I’d sure like to hear it.

